In the olden days it was not uncommon that a girl’s father chose the man she was going out with. Since then things have changed, but a good way of establishing relationships is for the groom to be to ask the woman’s father for her hand in marriage. In England and Wales the law requires the parents’ or guardians’ consent if either party is under the age of eighteen.
The first persons to be told of the plan are the bride’s parents then the groom’s parents. After this a general announcement can be made to relatives and close friends. If this is done in writing all letters should be nailed at the same time so that noone feels excluded. This announcement should not be made at somebody else’s wedding. Relatives and close friends should be informed before a prospective announcement in the paper.
The giving of the engagement ring is very important. Apart from being an old tradition it is the token of the pledge the couple has made to each other. It is also a sign to other people that the bride’s (and sometimes also the man’s, when he is given a ring) feelings are engaged by somebody else. In most countries where this practice is in use it is worn on the third finger on the left hand. Today most couples choose the engagement ring together, the exception being if the man has a family ring which he wants her to have. A gold ring with one or more diamonds is sill the most popular choice but replacing the diamond with a birthstone is also popular. Many women like to give a present in return, for example a gold signet ring, gold chain, tie clip or cuff links. If there is to be a formal engagement party, the ring is not worn until after the official announcement. This announcement may also be done as a surprise at a party held by the bride’s parents. Traditionally the bride’s father bears the costs for the party, but it is becoming more common for the groom’s father to share the costs. A shower is a party for the bride to be, held at a friend’s home. At the shower small gifts are offered to the bride.
Breaking off the
engagement
Wedding Preparations
Presents
The Wedding Ring
Dressing for the
Wedding
The Photographs
Toast and Speeches
The Reception
Wedding Superstitions
Etiquette Q’s and
A’s from American magazines
If, for some reason, the couple decide to split up and not go through with the wedding all engagement gifts should be returned. If the man and woman are still friends they may decide to keep gifts given to each other. Etiquette demands that the woman offers to return the ring though, especially if she broke off the engagement. Previously an engagement to marry used to be binding by the law, but this is not so any more.
First of all you have to decide what kind of ceremony you want to have, and then go to see the minister or registrar to make proper arrangements. It may be necessary to book a reception hall before booking the church, many halls are booked a long time in advance. With the minister you should discuss all details of the wedding, such as the form of the ceremony, bell ringing, fees and so on. For a civil ceremony see the Superintendent Registrar. A personal letter may inform relatives and close friends before formal invitations are sent.
A personal letter should also inform people, whom the couple would particularly like to inform about their marriage, but are not able to invite. The bride’s parents traditionally send formal invitations (composed in the third person), indicating that they are responsible for the payment. However, if somebody else is hosting the wedding they should take on this task. The invitations should be sent out well in advance and all invitations should be sent out simultaneously.
The wording on the invitation may be formal (Mr and Mrs John Smith), less formal (Lisa and John Smith) or informal (Lisa and John). If there is to be a dance after the reception this information should be included together with an indication of suitable dress. When two sisters (daughters of the same couple) are to be married at the same time the name of the eldest daughter appears first. Here is a link to a popular wording of the invitation.
Guests at the wedding and/or reception are expected to bring a gift, even though this is not compulsory. Also, according to tradition relatives should send a gift whether or not they attend. However, if the invitation has been declined a friend must not send a gift and there is no need to send a gift if invited to the ceremony only. Gifts should be sent to the bride at her parents’ home before the wedding. These can be sent as soon as the news of the wedding is received. Sending an invitation to all donors of gifts is not necessary even if, in practice, most donors do get invited.
The wedding-gifts may cause some problems, however. It is not easy to look happy and appreciative opening the third present with a toaster inside. There are two important things to remember concerning the gifts:
Make up a wedding-gift list for people wishing to consult it. A copy of the list may be left at the house of the bride’s parents or at some chosen, larger store. The list may also be sent to people at their request. Ask them to return the list with the item they have bought crossed out.
Make sure to send out thank you notes to all gift donors as soon as possible after the occasion. This way everyone will feel that his or her gift is appreciated.
The wedding-gift list should contain both expensive and inexpensive gifts and should include more gifts than expected to receive. Traditionally, the bride’s parents as a part of her trousseau gave bed linen. Gifts for the new home such as china, cutlery and glass are popular and traditional gifts, but less traditional gifts can be accepted if both bride and groom can enjoy them. This goes especially for the couple who already has a lot of household goods.
The thank-you notes are more important than the wedding-gift list. Not sending a thank-you note is both discourteous and hurtful. If the gift is received in time, the thank-you note can be included with the invitation.
A display of the presents may be arranged at the reception or at the bride’s parent’s home since it is natural for the guests to want to see the gifts. When the reception is held at a public building, such as a hotel, petty thieving is a risk. Therefore a display at a private house is safer. Omitting nametags is one way of not embarrassing some guests who otherwise might think that their gifts look cheap compared to others. In the case of money gifts a card with the reading ‘check received from…’ should be set out on the display table.
A central part of the wedding service is the giving or exchanging of wedding ring/rings. The ring may be new, bought for the occasion, or old, perhaps a family heirloom. Buying the wedding ring and the engagement ring on the same day, as well as wearing the ring before the ceremony is considered unlucky. However, it may be a good idea to make sure that the rings look good together before you buy them. In some countries the bride and groom always exchange rings, but where they do not it is not necessary for the bride to give the groom a gift. It is not uncommon for the bride to present a ring or a piece of jewelry for the groom at the ceremony, however.
The traditional white dress is most popular for church weddings, most of the time with a train. The veil is also traditionally worn for modesty. For older and second time brides cream is very popular. For good luck the bride’s dress is usually kept a secret until the ceremony.
A matron or maid of honor will not wear the same dress as the younger bridesmaids. It used to be common for the bride to decide what the bridesmaids’ dresses would look like, in which case the bride’s parents paid for the dresses. Today bridesmaids usually have a say in the matter and also contribute to the costs. It is important, however, that their dresses complement the bride’s wedding gown. Not only is the color important, but also the style of the dresses. The mothers of the bride and groom should cooperate to avoid embarrassment. The bride’s mother always has the first choice.
All male members of the wedding party should dress with the same formality. When the bride wears white they should wear morning dress. This is either all gray or a black tail coat with pinstriped pants. Morning dress is considered incorrect unless a hat is carried, but the members of the party are not required to wear their top hats. It is as important for the male members not to outshine the groom as it is for the bridesmaids not to outshine the bride. For a double wedding the whole wedding party should dress with the same degree of formality.
The invitation should indicate correct dress for the guests. ‘Black tie’ means black dinner jacket with a bow tie for the male guests and a long or evening dress for the women. It used to be that women had to wear hats in church. This rule has been relaxed, but most still do because of tradition. Women guests in deep family mourning do not have to wear black nowadays.
To remember one of the most important days of your life it is important to have photographs taken. As well as photographs of the wedding party there should be photographs of the couple, the couple with their nearest family, and if possible, from the ceremony and reception. Check with the minister or with the proprietor of the approved premises if there are any restrictions in the church or register office concerning photographs. Ask around to see if any friends can recommend a professional photographer. If not, go ‘window shopping’, that is look in the window displays of local photographers and ask to see additional samples of their work. Guests should be informed by the best man or an usher what the couple’s wishes are concerning private photographing by the guests.
For many people this is by far the most dreaded part of the wedding. To stand up and make a speech before all the guests may be a fearful experience. Buying a book on the subject is a good idea.
The first person out is the bride’s father. He proposes the toast to the bride and groom. If the bride’s mother is a widow a male relative of mature years should perform this duty.
Next is the bridegroom speaking on behalf of himself and his bride. His speech should include thanking his father-in-law for his speech, the bride’s parent’s for giving him their daughter, his own parents, the guests for coming and their gifts, complementing his bride, thanking the best man, thanking all other helpers, expressing regrets for close, absent family members or friends and proposing a toast to the bridesmaids. He may at this time chose to present gifts to the attendants. Following the groom the best man replies on behalf of the bridesmaids including a selection of congratulatory wishes from absent friends and relatives.
Following these traditional speeches other guests may wish to say a few words. It is important that the best man or toastmaster finds out beforehand if there are to be any additional speeches so that he can call upon them.
Including jokes in a speech is acceptable as long as they are not likely to offend anybody. A speech should never be longer than five minutes. There are certain points to remember:
Keep it short.
Do not include offending jokes.
Do not refer to the honeymoon, any previous marriage or liaisons, future family or sex.
Try not to repeat yourself or over-use words or phrases.
Make sure you have your speech with you to the reception.
Do not drink too much before you present your speech.
Go to the lavatory in good time before presenting your speech.
Speak a little more slowly and clearly than normal and do not forget to breathe.
Do not deviate from your prepared speech. You may end up saying something you regret.
In England a traditional wedding follows a certain pattern. Well in time the decision concerning were the reception is to be held, hall, hotel or house, should be made, the main factor being the number of guests attending. At about the same time catering arrangements should be made.
At a formal reception there should be a welcoming line to receive the guests. This should consist of the bride’s parents, the groom’s parents and the couple themselves, in that order. This applies whether either set of parents is divorced or not, new partners are normally not included. Guests should be greeted by name or by politely asking their name. When necessary the bride and groom introduce each other to the guests when necessary.
The processional order on entering the hall is: bride and groom, bride’s father with groom’s mother, bride’s mother with groom’s father, chief bridesmaid with best man (if he is available), bridesmaids, page boys, ushers and guests. For a formal reception there must be a ‘top table’ for the principal members of the wedding party. Be careful with whom you place at the top table. If one of the non-wedding party guests is placed there it should be someone very special, like an aunt who has flown in from Australia for the occasion. Complications due to parental divorce are easiest solved by talking to all the concerned. The bride and the two mothers usually decide the seating for the other guests. If there is a minister present he or she must be invited to say grace. The correct thing to do is to approach the minister beforehand. If there is no minister present the bride’s father may say grace. The bride and groom are always the first to be served. After the last course is over it is time for the cake-cutting ceremony, the toasts and the speeches. If there is to be dancing, the bride and bridegroom is the first couple out on the floor.
Traditionally, before the couple leaves on their honeymoon, the bride tosses her bouquet over her shoulder. The girl who catches it is the next to get married.
There are many superstitions relating to the bride, perhaps the most famous of which the most famous may be to wear ‘something old, something new, something borrowed, something new’. It is also considered unlucky for the bride to make her own dress, for her to try out the full bridal array too soon. Also an old veil is thought to be luckier than a new one, particularly if borrowed from a happily married woman or if it is an heirloom from the bride’s family.
The bride should also leave her home by the front door with her right foot foremost. Sunshine is considered lucky, as is if the bride sees a rainbow, meets a black cat or meets a chimney sweep. In an old saying the bride is advised to keep a part of the cake to keep her husband faithful. In the United States keeping a part of the cake and eat it on their first anniversary will bring luck to the couple.
Among the superstitions relating to the groom is that it is unlucky for him to see his bride in her wedding dress on the morning before the wedding. Also, he must not drop the ring before putting it on her finger. The church fees should be paid with an odd sum of money through the best man, he should carry a small mascot in his pocket and by no means can he turn back for anything after leaving for church. For good luck the husband should also carry his new wife over the threshold of their new home.
Finally the bridesmaids should remember the saying ‘Three times a bridesmaid, never a bride’.
Among the more general superstitions about the wedding day are
‘Happy the bride whom the sun shines on’. To stay clear of rain it is best to feed your cat on the morning of the wedding. In Germany and Sweden, however, a little rain on the wedding day is a good sign, which would mean that you would have to starve your cat in these countries…
For the bride to be woken on her wedding day by a singing bird is a good sign, as is to find a spider in a fold of her dress.
It is bad luck to break anything, especially a mirror, or to lose the heel of a shoe on the wedding morning
With each glance in the mirror the bride is supposed to add something to her makeup or clothing.
It is bad luck for the couple to meet in the morning before the wedding, but good luck if they smile at each other when they meet in church
The bride is not supposed to weep before the marriage, but she may do so as much as she likes after the marriage. Doing so would prove that she is not a which, who can only shed three tears from her left eye.
If the bride sees a lamb, a dove, a toad a spider or a black cat on her way to the church it is a sign of good luck. Encountering a funeral party or a pig crossing the road in front of the car are signs of bad luck.
